I Need You Now
by Emeli Thorne
Summary: Sons of Anarchy One Shot season 7: Jax talks to Tara's ghost and Tara has so much to tell him. She's angry and with reason. Cover by: Susie GreeneChristmas.


**Dedicated to: ****Kelly Timson**** and ****Meghan Cherie Leatherwood** from Sons of Anarchy Fan Fiction group on Facebook who suggested I should write a story where Jax talks to Tara's ghost; also, to everyone from that group who has been supportive of me, my stories and all the authors of SoA fan fiction.

I can't describe how much I love you guys and how much it means to me to have found you. So, special thanks and dedication goes to **Cindy Rosen Burick** who introduced me to you guys. XOXO

I hope I didn't disappoint you. Please, leave a review.

Sorry for typos and mistakes.

**Word Count: 2166**

**Title Reference: Need You Now by Lady Antebellum**

**I Need You Now**

-"Jax. Jax."

Jax opened his eyes slowly then yawned and closed them again, feeling tired even though he managed to have a three hour sleep. That was an hour longer that any of the nights for the past month.

He slept at Redwoody ever since the Chinese blew up their shop along with their chapel. Upon arriving, he climbed up the stairs to the new chapel and, not bothering to take his clothes off, lay on the couch.

He hasn't had a good night sleep since he found her dead in their home.

Jax could still feel the coldness of her body when he cradled it. Her eyes were closed; her eyelids didn't move to open when he caressed her face. Her lips were dry, and the only thing he wanted was to hear her say his name again.

Whenever she said it, blood in his veins would race, waking every cell in his body.

Her skin was pale, lacking the blush that would creep up her cheeks whenever he said something dirty or when they made love and she screamed his name out of pure pleasure.

-"Jax. Jax."

There it was again. Someone was calling him. Jax didn't want to get up. Those few hours of sleep he got were the only peaceful moments in his fucked up life.

-"Jax, wake up."

-"What? What is it?"

He opened his eyes and got up to face whoever dared to disturb him. Only, no one was there. He rubbed his face and his eyes then looked around again. Still, no one was there.

He got up and took a few sips of water from the bottle that was on the table. His throat was dry and it welcomed the tasteless liquid, even if it was warm as piss. The room was dim, and there was no noise coming from downstairs. It was still early, he figured.

-"Jax."

_It can't be. It can't be._

He felt a hand on his shoulder. Closing his eyes he turned slowly. Jax was scared to face her.

-"Open your eyes, Jax."

He did so and was welcomed by Tara's warm smile.

Her hair was long and down, just like the first time he saw her after she came back. However, her eyes lacked their usual spark. It reminded him of that period in their lives when he was a shithead and hurt her by sleeping with Collette and Ima.

Also, her face had more wrinkles. He wondered if that was because of him and what he was doing. She never did want him to do the things he did, was doing now...

-"Oh, babe."

He tilted his head and touched her face gently, afraid she might disappear if he made a sudden move. A tear rolled down his cheek and Tara wiped it with her palm.

-"Tara."

His breathing became ragged as he fought the urge to scream the pain he felt. Jax's eyes were on her, unable to comprehend that she was there, really there. She was with him.

-"Why, Jax? Why did you do it?" - Tara asked him looking into his eyes.

It took him a few moments to realise she spoke to him.

-"Did what, baby?"

-"Kill all those people."

She stepped back. He reached for her hand, but she took another step back.

Jax knew what Tara was asking him. Guilt spread across his face and he dropped his gaze, unable to look Tara in the eyes. Leaning against the table, he looked at the rings on his fingers. He had to blink a few times, because he had to be hallucinating.

His hands were bloody, his knuckles scraped with crusts of dry blood on them.

-"That is blood of innocent people on your hands. The people you killed because of unnecessary revenge."

He lifted his head, wide eyed.

-"Unnecessary? They killed you, Tara! Lin ordered-" he gulped, unable to utter those words.

It was bad enough he dreamt of that night for the past month. But he couldn't face the fact what actually happened.

Tara was dead.

The only woman he ever loved died because of him.

If only he stayed with her. If only he never went to the chapel. If only they stayed in that motel room, in each other's arms, talking about Tara's future with the boys away from Charming.

She would have accepted that job in Oregon. The kids would go to day-care. When she'd be finished with work, she would pick them up and take them to the park.

At night, before she'd tuck them in, she would tell them stories of how their mommy and daddy met. How mommy was the first girl daddy brought flowers to, even though he thought that was cheesy; how he proposed to her when they were eighteen because he couldn't wait to show everyone that she was his old lady; how she got her tattoo the same day he became a prospect because she wanted him to know she'd be right there with him, that they belong together; and that when she came back, the only thing she was looking forward to was seeing them, her family.

She'd tell them that even though daddy is not with them, he loves them all very much. He's doing something really important for them. As soon as he can, he would come back to be with them and they will never be apart again.

-"Why would he do that? What reason did he have? You were on good terms." -Tara said.

She sat on the armrest and leaned against the wall, gazing at the ceiling.

-"Gemma saw one-"

-"It wasn't Lin." Tara returned her gaze back to Jax.

Jax looked at her in surprise. He pushed himself off of the table, coming closer.

-"What do you mean?"

-"I mean, Lin had nothing to do with what happened to me. It wasn't a hit."

-"Who did it? Tell me!"

His words were a plea.

Tara sighed.

-"I can't. You have to figure it out on your own."

Jax approached her, reaching for her hand, but she stood up and walked pass him. It hurt him to see they were so close and so distant at the same time.

-"Why don't you go to see the boys? They need you."

Tara said in an accusatory manner, that Jax felt ashamed. He bowed his head, trying to compose a valid answer.

-"I can't see them. Not yet. Every time I look at them, I remember the day I proposed. I remember my promise to you that I'll get us out of SAMCRO's clutches. I remember how happy you were. And then I see your face on the night they took you to jail. God, Tara, you looked defeated.

I know now that was the last drop. That's when you realised I was no good for you and our boys. You were right when you said 'm a monster. If you only knew how much your tears burnt me."

He paused, scratching his stubble in a nervous manner. He sat on the couch leaning his head on his hands. He still couldn't meet her eyes.

-"I want to tell you something. The night we made love, after you got out... I didn't see you. I didn't see us. I was angry with you for refusing to see me. I went to Stockton and fucked Collette. I was feeling guilty and all I wanted was to get her smell, the fell of her off of me."

-"You and I weren't us anymore. And it was all my fault. I betrayed you. You deserved all the best. You were a top surgeon, but you lost everything because of me. God, you deserved to have the most beautiful weeding in the world, and I made you get married in a fucking whorehouse. You went to jail because of me and instead of being there for you, I fuck some middle aged pussy. You were too good for me. I don't deserve you. I never deserved you."

He was lost in his own world, blaming himself when Tara spoke.

-"You were the first boy I fell in love with. You were the only one I truly loved. The only one I ever loved. How could you do that to me, to our family? Has it ever crossed your mind how your actions could hurt me?"

Her words cut threw him.

-"Our sons need you. They need their father. They need you to tell them you love them that you're there for them. How can you let my children be raised by strangers and whores? How can you let them be there, in this sinful place?"

-"Tara, I-"

-"No, Jax. You promised me you'll take care of us, of them. Did you forget that? Can't you see that you are doing the same thing you blamed John of doing: abandoning your family. MC is not your family. We were. They boys are."

He looked up and his heart clenched. Tara was crying, shaking.

-"Everything they see here, everything they hear will affect them. I don't want my boys to have traumas. Can't you see? This is what I was trying to protect them from. And you are being selfish and thinking of your pain alone. What about them? They lost me. They lost their mother. And now they are losing their father too."

Tara couldn't control herself anymore, pouring every single emotion in her words while she cried the bitter tears that had been grazing at her.

-"I thought that Wendy was the only one of you who is at same degree able to take care of the boys and ready to save them. But I was wrong. She can't take my place. She can't be their mother. You can't let her raise them. You can't let my kids be here among these people. You can't let Gemma, the person I was running away from, raise them.

You have to man up and be a father first. That is your obligation. Not to avenge me, not to kill hundreds of people because you think that'll make things right because it won't. It won't bring me back. You can't think of the club, or your whores, or of Gemma, Wendy or anyone else. They don't matter, Jax! Do you hear me?! They don't matter. My boys matter."

Her whole body was shaking as she spoke and Jax stood up because he couldn't take it any longer to be apart from her. Again, he made a move to hug her but she kept stepping back, away from him.

-"Tara, please. Just let me hold you." – he pleaded.

Tara started yelling at him, rage seeping with every word.

-"Stop it! Stop thinking of yourself! Stop being selfish and for once, listen to me! Think of my boys. Save them. Do what I couldn't. Leave Charming. Don't let them become you. I can't stand to watch them like this. They are falling apart. Thomas is still so little, but he knows I'm not there. And Gemma is selling some shit story to Abel of how I'm in haven, with angels. Guess what? I'm not. I'm stuck here! I'm stuck here, in my personal hell. Because I can't think of a worse torture than to watch my kids be alone, scared, away from me."

She broke, falling to her knees, sobbing.

-"I'm supposed to be there with them. But I'm not. I won't ever feel Abel's arms wrapped around my neck. I won't ever hear Thomas's cry waking me up. I won't ever see my babies smile at me. I won't ever hold them again. I won't ever hear them say 'mommy' again."

-"What if they forget me? What if Gemma and Wendy make them forget me? I'll die a thousand times more if they start calling that junkie whore their mother."

Jax fell to his knees next to her, cupping her face and lifting her head. Their eyes met and Jax wanted so badly to make it right. To undo everything that happened. He wished he had gone with her from Charming like he promised. He wished he wasn't a coward. He realised that was it. He was a coward. He was stuck in the SAMCRO life and was afraid to leave it, to try living some other way.

-"Save my boys, Jax. Do it for me. Forget everything else. Save them."

She kissed him, and as he closed his eyes, she disappeared, leaving him alone for the second time.

He let out choked sobs, feeling like he was falling apart from inside out. There was no happiness, no joy without her. His body ached for her, for her touch. His blood begged to be awoken by her voice. His heart felt like exploding out of pure misery and sadness.

Jax cried for a long time, lying in a fetal position on the floor before he cried himself to sleep, guilt eating away at him, one sob at a time.


End file.
